I thought I was doing just fine, but then this gray and gloomy morning it hit me: we could be here for a very long time. This first week of "quarantine" has been nice in many ways. Family walks, serene runs, homemade play-doh and cookie making...we have suddenly been thrust into the "simple life" I'm always talking to my husband about. The simple life I always wish for when things get hectic and stressful. But today the "simple life" feels forced, mandatory, paramount. Today, it makes me feel trapped. A "mandatory quarantine" forcing us all to stay home because of eminent danger presented by a dangerous virus is far from my ideal of a "simple life." Those of you who know me well understand that I like control. I like to be the boss, and I definitely don't like ultimatums or strict guidelines. I don't like to feel put in a box, I don't like feeling trapped. If you want to really scare me, stick me in an elevator or a closet. I would bungee jump off the top of a building before I would climb into any small space.
So today, this new "way of life" stuck at home is starting to make me feel claustrophobic, trapped, like the walls are closing in, and I've lost all control of the situation. The anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach and the tight feeling in my throat indicate the rising stress of what's occurring. So yes, today it hit me. I don't like any of this and I'm not in control.
Anyone else?
Sitting here, feeling lost and stuck, I'm realizing that so much of life is actually like this. Yes, this is a unique situation none of us have ever been through before...trying to stay away from an illness that doesn't have a cure...but in our daily lives we constantly experience circumstances that push our limits, that test us, that put us in places we don't want to be in, that make us realize we aren't really in control of any of it. This is real life. Life happening to us, and we are just along for the ride. So how do we deal with it? How do we hold onto hope, how do we not sink into depression, when things around us are so uncertain and so out of control? How do we stay grounded when the tide is rising, and the waters, dark and dangerous, are surging around us?
Even on the darkest days, when the unknowns are casting a dark shadow on my daily life, threatening to steal all joy and hope, I have something to hold onto...perspective. Perspective that it will get better, that we won't be here forever, that the simple joys of being with my family are worth every moment, and perspective that it's been worse than it is right now. You see, years ago, I lost a baby. It was traumatic, it was dark, it almost drowned me. And yet I have faith in a God who was able to pull me out of that darkness, and I know He will do it again. In my weakest moments, when I wanted to quit on God because I didn't understand what I was going through, He never quit on me. He gave me a husband who loves me unconditionally, He blessed me with more children than I ever thought I could have, and I could go on and on about the small blessings I encounter every day.
So as I look today at my kids and my husband, I realize that the walls aren't closing in. I have a comfortable home to be in, filled with the laughter and chatter of little voices. I have the arms of husband who cares about my deepest thoughts and fears. And most importantly, I have the love of a God who has carried me through the deepest and darkest valleys and has never failed me. Even when so much of life right now seems scary and uncertain, my lifeline is those simple truths that will never change.
I encourage you today to find peace in perspective. Whether it's the smile of your loved one, the hugs of your children, the phone call from a good friend, focus on what IS going right in your world. We are all in this together. If you can't find the light today, reach out to someone who can help you find it. You are not alone.
