Hello Little Lady

    Hello little lady. Here we are. It's been almost exactly one month since your tiny face showed up on our doorstep. Almost exactly one month since I first laid eyes on you and started falling in love with you. 

A dear friend mentioned to me the other day that I should write you a journal...that maybe one day I would be able to put these memories of you in your hands, so that you can one day read about how your first weeks were...so that you can read about how much you were loved by your foster mom, your foster dad, your foster brothers and sister. I hope one day you can read these words. 

This is our time. Our time with you. It's been hard, and beautiful, exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time. I know that we are working towards reunification with your mom. This is a good thing, for the both of you! But a little part of me, the selfish part, wants you to stay with me. I just want you for myself, so that I can see you grow up, see you change into a beautiful little unique individual...so that I can find out if you like peanut butter sandwiches, or if you like the color yellow. 

But technically these moments don't belong to me. They belong to your mom. The mom who carried you in her womb and is working hard to get you back. I'm proud of her for putting in the effort, and I'm proud of myself for being willing and understanding that the best thing for you is to let you go, however hard it is. So many big emotions go into this fostering life. So many unknowns, daily challenges, and yes...daily blessings. 

You are opening your eyes more and more each day, little lady. Those baby blues with those lashes! You are going to turn heads some day, I know it. Just like your mama, I bet. You are looking for me every time you hear my voice, your little face turning towards the familiar sound, intently trying to find the face attached to it. I want you to see me...I want to bond with you...but I'm also terrified of it because it only means that saying goodbye will be that much harder. 

The nightly feedings are still exhausting but the addition of you to our family seems so seamless sometimes...like you just fit in and you just belong. I am afraid of how saying goodbye is going to affect your foster siblings, because they love you as much as I do. I am scared of what heartbreak they will face when they realize they have to let you go. It's hard for them to understand this whole process. It's hard for them to cope with the realities of a world that isn't really ever fair. 

Letting go. It's a fact and a reality with foster care. Letting go of expectations, of pre-conceived ideas, of prejudices, of judgements, and of course plans for the future. With foster care, the only certainties are those of today. I am certain that I can hold you today. I am certain that I will get to snuggle with you, sing to you, and speak words of love and truth over you...today. 

Dear Jesus, hold this child in Your hand. Comfort her when she feels sad or lonely, speak love into her if she ever feels abandoned or lost, and protect her from a word that can be cruel and harsh. Hold this child's heart in Your hand, Father. Draw her little heart to You. Speak life into her. Save her. Please, God. Hold her in Your hands, even when I cannot. Shelter her and hold her, even when I cannot. You know her path, God. You have a plan for her life. Work it out for good, please Father. 

For you, my child, I will always pray, no matter what. 

I love you, little lady. 

This is fostering

    It's not easy, you know. Loving someone who doesn't technically belong to you. Think about it for a second, and then think about it again. It's actually much harder than you can imagine. In fact, I'm in the thick of it, and it's still hard for me to imagine, or grasp. 

How is is possible? To look at a little person made in the image of God, but not made from you...she's not from your womb, she didn't grow inside of you, she isn't even adoptable yet. She's your foster daughter. And you love her...fiercely, even though at times, reluctantly, because you aren't sure where this is going to go, and how long it's going to be for, and how invested you are going to be, before the rug gets ripped out from under you. 

This is fostering.

Do you know how beautiful you are, little girl? Do you know how perfect that sleeping little face is, with the long lashes, the rosy skin, and the pouty lip that makes me always fall in love with you over and over again? 

No you don't. Because you are tiny, new, and blissfully unaware of the army of foster parents, advocates, lawyers, agency workers, and CPS workers who are in your corner fighting for...you. For the best for you. For a chance for you to succeed in life. For a chance to be loved and wanted. 

Well, here's the irony. I love you. I want you. And for now, that's all I have. And that's all you have. For now. For now, you have my love. You have my snuggles, my sweet words in the middle of the night telling you that you are beautiful and you are loved. 

This is fostering.

I took you to the doctor the other day, and they turned me away because I had the wrong Medicaid insurance. They weren't very nice about it, and I was pretty mad, because, well...this is my first time ever dealing with Medicaid...and what am I supposed to know. But as I stormed to the car I saw your beautiful little sleeping face...so peaceful...and it reminded me that you are more important than my stomped-on ego. You are so important that all of the paperwork, the long drives to visitations, and even inconvenience with doctors and insurance, are all worth it. 

This is fostering.

And you might ask, why am I doing this all for you? This child that doesn't belong to me. This child who will most likely never belong to me...who will be taken from my arms at the end of our journey together...who will be reunited with her bio mom...who will for sure and irrevocably break my heart. 

I'm doing it for you, my child. I'm doing it so that you can really and truly feel loved these first months of your life. So that somewhere, deep down inside of you, you will have a deeply rooted start, not in trauma, or in abandonment, but in love. These are the only days we may have together. But they mean everything to me...and to you. 

I love you, sweet girl. No matter how long we have together...days...weeks...months. You will always hold a place in my heart. And I hope deep down I will hold a place in yours. You are so loved, little girl. 

This is fostering. 

The Face of Fostering

Her beautiful little face looked up at me for the first time, and my only thought was, hello little lady, how am I ever going to be able to say goodbye?

You see, she doesn’t belong to me. I’m her caretaker, for now, I’m her guardian, for the time being...I’m not her real mom. I’m her foster mom. It doesn’t roll off the tongue easily, it feels awkward to say it out loud. “Foster mom.” A new title to add to my menagerie of names, and most likely the most painful one.

Everything that I do for her will have lasting impact on who she becomes. The snuggles, the around the clock feedings, the baths, the one-sided conversations...for her, these have meaning and worth because they speak love into her...a love that she is otherwise bereft of.

And all of these things I do for her create a bond between us that, for me, hurts as much as it heals. I want to love her with my whole heart, because she deserves it. I want to hold back that love because I want to protect myself from a broken heart.

What a dichotomy of emotions always surging through my mind when I look at this beautiful little person that was thrust into our lives so unexpectedly and yet so wonderfully.

When we said we would foster, I thought I knew what to expect, but I really didn’t understand or know. I thought I would be strong because I’ve been through a lot in my life, and I’ve said painful goodbyes before, but the reality is that I’m not as strong as I pretend to be. I hate goodbyes. I’m terrible at letting go.

But for her sake, I’m going to take every moment of every day to cherish her. Every day will begin with the most beautiful hello. And if that day comes, and it most likely will, when I have to say goodbye, yes, it’s going to break me. It’s going to crush me. But I’m going to be able to hold onto those moments I was given with her, to love her and leave an imprint on her tiny life. It’s a blessing and a privilege to be her foster mom.

Hello, little lady. Let’s seize today, and make some memories.

#ThisIsFostering