This is fostering

    It's not easy, you know. Loving someone who doesn't technically belong to you. Think about it for a second, and then think about it again. It's actually much harder than you can imagine. In fact, I'm in the thick of it, and it's still hard for me to imagine, or grasp. 

How is is possible? To look at a little person made in the image of God, but not made from you...she's not from your womb, she didn't grow inside of you, she isn't even adoptable yet. She's your foster daughter. And you love her...fiercely, even though at times, reluctantly, because you aren't sure where this is going to go, and how long it's going to be for, and how invested you are going to be, before the rug gets ripped out from under you. 

This is fostering.

Do you know how beautiful you are, little girl? Do you know how perfect that sleeping little face is, with the long lashes, the rosy skin, and the pouty lip that makes me always fall in love with you over and over again? 

No you don't. Because you are tiny, new, and blissfully unaware of the army of foster parents, advocates, lawyers, agency workers, and CPS workers who are in your corner fighting for...you. For the best for you. For a chance for you to succeed in life. For a chance to be loved and wanted. 

Well, here's the irony. I love you. I want you. And for now, that's all I have. And that's all you have. For now. For now, you have my love. You have my snuggles, my sweet words in the middle of the night telling you that you are beautiful and you are loved. 

This is fostering.

I took you to the doctor the other day, and they turned me away because I had the wrong Medicaid insurance. They weren't very nice about it, and I was pretty mad, because, well...this is my first time ever dealing with Medicaid...and what am I supposed to know. But as I stormed to the car I saw your beautiful little sleeping face...so peaceful...and it reminded me that you are more important than my stomped-on ego. You are so important that all of the paperwork, the long drives to visitations, and even inconvenience with doctors and insurance, are all worth it. 

This is fostering.

And you might ask, why am I doing this all for you? This child that doesn't belong to me. This child who will most likely never belong to me...who will be taken from my arms at the end of our journey together...who will be reunited with her bio mom...who will for sure and irrevocably break my heart. 

I'm doing it for you, my child. I'm doing it so that you can really and truly feel loved these first months of your life. So that somewhere, deep down inside of you, you will have a deeply rooted start, not in trauma, or in abandonment, but in love. These are the only days we may have together. But they mean everything to me...and to you. 

I love you, sweet girl. No matter how long we have together...days...weeks...months. You will always hold a place in my heart. And I hope deep down I will hold a place in yours. You are so loved, little girl. 

This is fostering.