Her beautiful little face looked up at me for the first time, and my only thought was, hello little lady, how am I ever going to be able to say goodbye?
You see, she doesn’t belong to me. I’m her caretaker, for now, I’m her guardian, for the time being...I’m not her real mom. I’m her foster mom. It doesn’t roll off the tongue easily, it feels awkward to say it out loud. “Foster mom.” A new title to add to my menagerie of names, and most likely the most painful one.
Everything that I do for her will have lasting impact on who she becomes. The snuggles, the around the clock feedings, the baths, the one-sided conversations...for her, these have meaning and worth because they speak love into her...a love that she is otherwise bereft of.
And all of these things I do for her create a bond between us that, for me, hurts as much as it heals. I want to love her with my whole heart, because she deserves it. I want to hold back that love because I want to protect myself from a broken heart.
What a dichotomy of emotions always surging through my mind when I look at this beautiful little person that was thrust into our lives so unexpectedly and yet so wonderfully.
When we said we would foster, I thought I knew what to expect, but I really didn’t understand or know. I thought I would be strong because I’ve been through a lot in my life, and I’ve said painful goodbyes before, but the reality is that I’m not as strong as I pretend to be. I hate goodbyes. I’m terrible at letting go.
But for her sake, I’m going to take every moment of every day to cherish her. Every day will begin with the most beautiful hello. And if that day comes, and it most likely will, when I have to say goodbye, yes, it’s going to break me. It’s going to crush me. But I’m going to be able to hold onto those moments I was given with her, to love her and leave an imprint on her tiny life. It’s a blessing and a privilege to be her foster mom.
Hello, little lady. Let’s seize today, and make some memories. 
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