Today I had a moment. A moment of pure bliss. I was sitting with my husband with all my five children around us as we watched the Dreamworks movie "Joseph." And as I sat there looking at each beautiful little face, I felt so very blessed. So blessed to be their mama. So blessed to be able to watch them grow up. Eight years ago today I became a mama for the first time...I looked into the face of my first beautiful child and fell completely in love. It was a day I will never forget because in that moment of joy looking at my first-born, I was also completely terrified and devastated. Jace was my first child, but he was the one I never got to see grow up. And almost three months later, as I watched my first baby's tiny casket being lowered into the ground, I felt empty, like I had lost everything. I bet this is how Joseph must have felt when his brothers sold him into slavery. We all have a Joseph journey to walk through.
Joseph, the spoiled miracle child that never had to work a day in his life was suddenly stripped of everything and everyone he held dear. In one moment he was thrust from a life of happiness into a life of despair. And he was betrayed by the ones he trusted the most...his family. I can only imagine how many times Joseph must have cried out to God, "Why?" And yet, as you know if you've read the story, God had a plan for him. A plan he could never have conceived of. A plan that would not only change his life, but the lives of those around him, even the ones who betrayed him. I can imagine that at the end of his life as he looked back, Joseph must have been amazed. He must have been astounded to see what God did...how he took the most dire of circumstances and changed them into something great. God took Joseph from a lowly shepherd boy, to a slave boy, to a prison cell, and then onto the second highest position in all of Egypt, second only to Pharoah. And he saved thousands of lives from a famine.
I love the story of Joseph because Joseph walked through every valley the same way we do, questioning God's goodness and faithfulness. After all, we are only human. When we walk through our own version of a Joseph journey we can't see where we will end up. We can't see the good God is going to bring out of it all. All we can see is the struggle, the pain, the emptiness. But as with Joseph, God always has a plan that will end in good, no matter how hard it was getting there. I walked through the lowest of lows as a parent. Looking into the face of my child and watching him slip away, watching his heart fail him, watching him draw his last breath...it still haunts me at night sometimes. The pain will never completely go away. But now as I walk through my house at night and look at five more little faces sleeping peacefully, their little chests rising and falling with each precious breath, I can see the good God has brought from losing Jace.
I will always miss my first child. He will always hold a very special place in my heart. And for now, my heart is tethered to him in heaven, where I know I will see him again someday. A piece of me is in heaven and because of that I will never live my life the same. I know this isn't my forever home. We are all following Jace to a better place. And when I think about Jace I don't have to worry about him anymore because he is in the safest, most amazing place I could ever imagine. My heaven child is held in the arms of grace every day. No matter how hard it was to let him go, and no matter how much I might miss him, I can't begrudge him a home in heaven. Happy eighth anniversary of your birth, little Jace. I will always love you, my son.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Saturday, March 19, 2016
The Aftermath of Grief: Anger
When you experience suffering it might seem like everyone around you just wants to tell you how to get through it. I think it's their way of trying to help, trying to be there for you because they really don't know what to do otherwise. The irony of this, however, is that by telling you how to get through a situation, your loved ones and friends only end up pushing you away. Because what you feel, what your heart and mind go through after a traumatic experience, only you can truly know and understand. Everyone tells you grief has many stages and this is true. But the stage that everyone seems to want to ignore and tell you not to go through is anger. Anger...such a dirty word, and yet such an integral part of walking through grief. I know because I've been there.
I sat by my first son for all ten weeks of his life and watched his tiny body slowly fail him. Stomach failure, kidney failure, and finally heart failure. It was torture. As a mom you think you can protect your babies from anything. You think you can fix anything. Or at least you want to try. But as I sat by my son and watched his body degenerate from a disorder I had no control over, I felt such terrible anger creeping into my heart. Anger at the ONE who was in control of all of this and chose to do nothing. Anger at God for letting my son be born this way. Anger that my child had to die. Anger that I had to sit and helplessly watch him die. I was angry. All the time. I was so angry I couldn't see past it...I couldn't deal with it...I couldn't let it go...but I was ashamed of it. I knew if I admitted to being angry I would hear the words I dreaded to hear: "Oh, don't be angry at God, you know He has a plan." Well I knew God had a plan and I hated His plan. I despised His plan. I couldn't handle His plan. Anger was eating me up inside, and the worst part about it was that I felt utterly and completely alone. Because who would want to know my deepest darkest moments? Who would really care about my most despairing thoughts?
Don't let guilt eat away at you like I did. Guilt will only feed your grief, not help you walk through it. After living with such anger at God, such distrust and confusion about who He was and what His plan was for my life, I finally realized that once I accepted my anger, once I admitted it to myself and to others, I could finally move on. When people asked me how I was dealing with losing a child, I looked them in the face and said, "I'm angry and I'm OK with it because I know someday soon I'll wake up and not be angry anymore." And I was right. One day I saw God's blessings in my life instead of the curse of death and loss. I could finally look at pictures of Jace and not feel angry, hopeless, and empty. Finally I could look at his beautiful, peaceful little face and realize this God's plan IS bigger than my plan, that His ways ARE higher than mine, that in this world WE WILL HAVE STRUGGLE...but I don't have to give up hope because HE has overcome the world. After walking through the fire of anger I can see God's plan more clearly than ever before. His hand on my life is evident, and He has made me a better person because of what I went through in losing my son. Because of losing Jace, I am a much better mama to the five MORE little people that He has blessed me with. I don't take life for granted. I cherish the moments.
So walk through your anger, and don't wade through it with guilt and isolation. Find someone you trust and tell them how you truly feel. Pour your angry heart out to God and be honest with Him, because believe me He is no stranger to your deepest darkest moments. He knows. He's there. Even when it seems like everything is crumbling around you, He is ALWAYS there, and He loves you just as much in your angry moments and He does in your joyful ones.
I sat by my first son for all ten weeks of his life and watched his tiny body slowly fail him. Stomach failure, kidney failure, and finally heart failure. It was torture. As a mom you think you can protect your babies from anything. You think you can fix anything. Or at least you want to try. But as I sat by my son and watched his body degenerate from a disorder I had no control over, I felt such terrible anger creeping into my heart. Anger at the ONE who was in control of all of this and chose to do nothing. Anger at God for letting my son be born this way. Anger that my child had to die. Anger that I had to sit and helplessly watch him die. I was angry. All the time. I was so angry I couldn't see past it...I couldn't deal with it...I couldn't let it go...but I was ashamed of it. I knew if I admitted to being angry I would hear the words I dreaded to hear: "Oh, don't be angry at God, you know He has a plan." Well I knew God had a plan and I hated His plan. I despised His plan. I couldn't handle His plan. Anger was eating me up inside, and the worst part about it was that I felt utterly and completely alone. Because who would want to know my deepest darkest moments? Who would really care about my most despairing thoughts?
Don't let guilt eat away at you like I did. Guilt will only feed your grief, not help you walk through it. After living with such anger at God, such distrust and confusion about who He was and what His plan was for my life, I finally realized that once I accepted my anger, once I admitted it to myself and to others, I could finally move on. When people asked me how I was dealing with losing a child, I looked them in the face and said, "I'm angry and I'm OK with it because I know someday soon I'll wake up and not be angry anymore." And I was right. One day I saw God's blessings in my life instead of the curse of death and loss. I could finally look at pictures of Jace and not feel angry, hopeless, and empty. Finally I could look at his beautiful, peaceful little face and realize this God's plan IS bigger than my plan, that His ways ARE higher than mine, that in this world WE WILL HAVE STRUGGLE...but I don't have to give up hope because HE has overcome the world. After walking through the fire of anger I can see God's plan more clearly than ever before. His hand on my life is evident, and He has made me a better person because of what I went through in losing my son. Because of losing Jace, I am a much better mama to the five MORE little people that He has blessed me with. I don't take life for granted. I cherish the moments.
So walk through your anger, and don't wade through it with guilt and isolation. Find someone you trust and tell them how you truly feel. Pour your angry heart out to God and be honest with Him, because believe me He is no stranger to your deepest darkest moments. He knows. He's there. Even when it seems like everything is crumbling around you, He is ALWAYS there, and He loves you just as much in your angry moments and He does in your joyful ones.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Bittersweet: Another Journey Begins
March is a bittersweet month for me. It marks the beginning of a new spring...flowers, green grass, cute babies, and beautiful weather. I became a mom for the first time in March. If you look at my cover photo on facebook you will see five precious little smiling faces...my beautiful children...my entire world. But what you may not know is that a little face is missing from that picture. The child that made me a mom for the first time, the one that came into the world on the first day of spring...he was the one that broke my heart. Now my husband and I tuck five cuties into their beds every night, and every Christmas we drive out to the cemetery to visit one tiny grave etched with the words: "Jesus is Lord, Jace Garrett Steinhaus, March 20, 2008-June 14, 2008. When we look at Jace's pictures and talk about his short life here on earth, his brothers and sister always ask me where he is. "He's in heaven with Jesus," I always say. "Will we see him again?" they ask. "Yes, yes we will. He just went to be with Jesus before us. One day we will all get to see Jesus...we are just following after Jace."
I'm not the only one. So many of us have a story. A story that takes us through the valley of the shadow. A story that makes us who we are today. I know countless amazing couples who have lost children to sickness, genetic disorders, birth defects, miscarriage, and infertility. We all have a journey. But the question is, where is your journey taking you? Where is mine taking me? I've traveled through more than just losing Jace. Every pregnancy I had was rife with struggle...I had several babies too early and saw them through weeks in the NICU, I had to take hormone shots to prevent pre-term labor, I underwent five C-sections...and through it all I would often ask the question that we all inevitably ask when we are struggling..."Why Me?" It was so easy for me to find women with normal pregnancies, it was so easy for me to blame God and to shake my fist at him for putting me through such pain. "You took my son away from me, haven't You done enough?!" I asked God over and over, struggling to make sense of everything that went wrong. Sometimes I couldn't see through my own anger and confusion enough to look around and realize how blessed I was. How blessed I AM. I mean, I have five beautiful healthy kids...I wake up every morning and i am just astounded that I get to be their mama. They help me to see my way through the pain of losing a child...they help me make sense of it all. They are living proof that God is always good...even when it seems like He's not. On the hardest days when I'm struggling with the dark shadows of fear, guilt, and anger that come hand in hand with grief and loss, I can look at those five sunny faces and see God's hand in my life...through it all, even when I didn't understand. He was there. And He still is. He always will be.
But the journey isn't over. We are still following after Jace. We have unfinished business here on earth. Five little lives to train up and raise up, the daily challenges of trying to be Godly parents to the tiny people with which we've been entrusted. It's a big responsibility and it can be overwhelming. And yet even as we've been so very blessed with children of our own both my husband and I have this growing restlessness, this feeling that God has more for us, that we are being called to open up our home and our hearts to a child or children who are unwanted and need a home. Yes, the time for waiting is over. The time is now. It's time for us to pursue adoption. Loving and losing Jace taught us so much...more than we even know. He taught us more than anything that life is precious. All life. Not just the ones I've carried in my own womb, but those that have been carried in someone else's womb and for whatever reason need a home. I think many couples that pursue adoption have been through the valley of the shadow. They have their own journeys through pain and suffering...a journey that allows them to be better versions of themselves. To be able to lay down the plans they had for their family and to pursue the better plan that God has. To open up their hearts to a child who has been through their own version of the valley and just simply needs to be loved and cherished, the way that God loves us and cherishes us no matter what. I don't know what the end of our adoption story will be. I hope it will end with us becoming parents again. I hope it will end with another beautiful child becoming a part of our family. But I don't know. I can only hope. And pray. Hope and pray that God's plans will be fulfilled through us just as they always have been...that He will be glorified, that we will be amazed at what He can do. No matter where the journey takes us, Jace will always be a part of it...because the short time we got to be his parents changed us forever.
I'm not the only one. So many of us have a story. A story that takes us through the valley of the shadow. A story that makes us who we are today. I know countless amazing couples who have lost children to sickness, genetic disorders, birth defects, miscarriage, and infertility. We all have a journey. But the question is, where is your journey taking you? Where is mine taking me? I've traveled through more than just losing Jace. Every pregnancy I had was rife with struggle...I had several babies too early and saw them through weeks in the NICU, I had to take hormone shots to prevent pre-term labor, I underwent five C-sections...and through it all I would often ask the question that we all inevitably ask when we are struggling..."Why Me?" It was so easy for me to find women with normal pregnancies, it was so easy for me to blame God and to shake my fist at him for putting me through such pain. "You took my son away from me, haven't You done enough?!" I asked God over and over, struggling to make sense of everything that went wrong. Sometimes I couldn't see through my own anger and confusion enough to look around and realize how blessed I was. How blessed I AM. I mean, I have five beautiful healthy kids...I wake up every morning and i am just astounded that I get to be their mama. They help me to see my way through the pain of losing a child...they help me make sense of it all. They are living proof that God is always good...even when it seems like He's not. On the hardest days when I'm struggling with the dark shadows of fear, guilt, and anger that come hand in hand with grief and loss, I can look at those five sunny faces and see God's hand in my life...through it all, even when I didn't understand. He was there. And He still is. He always will be.
But the journey isn't over. We are still following after Jace. We have unfinished business here on earth. Five little lives to train up and raise up, the daily challenges of trying to be Godly parents to the tiny people with which we've been entrusted. It's a big responsibility and it can be overwhelming. And yet even as we've been so very blessed with children of our own both my husband and I have this growing restlessness, this feeling that God has more for us, that we are being called to open up our home and our hearts to a child or children who are unwanted and need a home. Yes, the time for waiting is over. The time is now. It's time for us to pursue adoption. Loving and losing Jace taught us so much...more than we even know. He taught us more than anything that life is precious. All life. Not just the ones I've carried in my own womb, but those that have been carried in someone else's womb and for whatever reason need a home. I think many couples that pursue adoption have been through the valley of the shadow. They have their own journeys through pain and suffering...a journey that allows them to be better versions of themselves. To be able to lay down the plans they had for their family and to pursue the better plan that God has. To open up their hearts to a child who has been through their own version of the valley and just simply needs to be loved and cherished, the way that God loves us and cherishes us no matter what. I don't know what the end of our adoption story will be. I hope it will end with us becoming parents again. I hope it will end with another beautiful child becoming a part of our family. But I don't know. I can only hope. And pray. Hope and pray that God's plans will be fulfilled through us just as they always have been...that He will be glorified, that we will be amazed at what He can do. No matter where the journey takes us, Jace will always be a part of it...because the short time we got to be his parents changed us forever.
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