I'm not the only one. So many of us have a story. A story that takes us through the valley of the shadow. A story that makes us who we are today. I know countless amazing couples who have lost children to sickness, genetic disorders, birth defects, miscarriage, and infertility. We all have a journey. But the question is, where is your journey taking you? Where is mine taking me? I've traveled through more than just losing Jace. Every pregnancy I had was rife with struggle...I had several babies too early and saw them through weeks in the NICU, I had to take hormone shots to prevent pre-term labor, I underwent five C-sections...and through it all I would often ask the question that we all inevitably ask when we are struggling..."Why Me?" It was so easy for me to find women with normal pregnancies, it was so easy for me to blame God and to shake my fist at him for putting me through such pain. "You took my son away from me, haven't You done enough?!" I asked God over and over, struggling to make sense of everything that went wrong. Sometimes I couldn't see through my own anger and confusion enough to look around and realize how blessed I was. How blessed I AM. I mean, I have five beautiful healthy kids...I wake up every morning and i am just astounded that I get to be their mama. They help me to see my way through the pain of losing a child...they help me make sense of it all. They are living proof that God is always good...even when it seems like He's not. On the hardest days when I'm struggling with the dark shadows of fear, guilt, and anger that come hand in hand with grief and loss, I can look at those five sunny faces and see God's hand in my life...through it all, even when I didn't understand. He was there. And He still is. He always will be.
But the journey isn't over. We are still following after Jace. We have unfinished business here on earth. Five little lives to train up and raise up, the daily challenges of trying to be Godly parents to the tiny people with which we've been entrusted. It's a big responsibility and it can be overwhelming. And yet even as we've been so very blessed with children of our own both my husband and I have this growing restlessness, this feeling that God has more for us, that we are being called to open up our home and our hearts to a child or children who are unwanted and need a home. Yes, the time for waiting is over. The time is now. It's time for us to pursue adoption. Loving and losing Jace taught us so much...more than we even know. He taught us more than anything that life is precious. All life. Not just the ones I've carried in my own womb, but those that have been carried in someone else's womb and for whatever reason need a home. I think many couples that pursue adoption have been through the valley of the shadow. They have their own journeys through pain and suffering...a journey that allows them to be better versions of themselves. To be able to lay down the plans they had for their family and to pursue the better plan that God has. To open up their hearts to a child who has been through their own version of the valley and just simply needs to be loved and cherished, the way that God loves us and cherishes us no matter what. I don't know what the end of our adoption story will be. I hope it will end with us becoming parents again. I hope it will end with another beautiful child becoming a part of our family. But I don't know. I can only hope. And pray. Hope and pray that God's plans will be fulfilled through us just as they always have been...that He will be glorified, that we will be amazed at what He can do. No matter where the journey takes us, Jace will always be a part of it...because the short time we got to be his parents changed us forever.
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