A Joseph Journey

Today I had a moment. A moment of pure bliss. I was sitting with my husband with all my five children around us as we watched the Dreamworks movie "Joseph." And as I sat there looking at each beautiful little face, I felt so very blessed. So blessed to be their mama. So blessed to be able to watch them grow up. Eight years ago today I became a mama for the first time...I looked into the face of my first beautiful child and fell completely in love. It was a day I will never forget because in that moment of joy looking at my first-born, I was also completely terrified and devastated. Jace was my first child, but he was the one I never got to see grow up. And almost three months later, as I watched my first baby's tiny casket being lowered into the ground, I felt empty, like I had lost everything. I bet this is how Joseph must have felt when his brothers sold him into slavery. We all have a Joseph journey to walk through.

Joseph, the spoiled miracle child that never had to work a day in his life was suddenly stripped of everything and everyone he held dear. In one moment he was thrust from a life of happiness into a life of despair. And he was betrayed by the ones he trusted the most...his family. I can only imagine how many times Joseph must have cried out to God, "Why?" And yet, as you know if you've read the story, God had a plan for him. A plan he could never have conceived of. A plan that would not only change his life, but the lives of those around him, even the ones who betrayed him. I can imagine that at the end of his life as he looked back, Joseph must have been amazed. He must have been astounded to see what God did...how he took the most dire of circumstances and changed them into something great. God took Joseph from a lowly shepherd boy, to a slave boy, to a prison cell, and then onto the second highest position in all of Egypt, second only to Pharoah. And he saved thousands of lives from a famine.

I love the story of Joseph because Joseph walked through every valley the same way we do, questioning God's goodness and faithfulness. After all, we are only human. When we walk through our own version of a Joseph journey we can't see where we will end up. We can't see the good God is going to bring out of it all. All we can see is the struggle, the pain, the emptiness. But as with Joseph, God always has a plan that will end in good, no matter how hard it was getting there. I walked through the lowest of lows as a parent. Looking into the face of my child and watching him slip away, watching his heart fail him, watching him draw his last breath...it still haunts me at night sometimes. The pain will never completely go away. But now as I walk through my house at night and look at five more little faces sleeping peacefully, their little chests rising and falling with each precious breath, I can see the good God has brought from losing Jace.

I will always miss my first child. He will always hold a very special place in my heart. And for now, my heart is tethered to him in heaven, where I know I will see him again someday. A piece of me is in heaven and because of that I will never live my life the same. I know this isn't my forever home. We are all following Jace to a better place. And when I think about Jace I don't have to worry about him anymore because he is in the safest, most amazing place I could ever imagine. My heaven child is held in the arms of grace every day. No matter how hard it was to let him go, and no matter how much I might miss him, I can't begrudge him a home in heaven. Happy eighth anniversary of your birth, little Jace. I will always love you, my son.